(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
[She wants to reach out and hold Lucretia, but there's nothing she could really do to make this okay. In fact, it was hard for her to not be angry under it all. It's wasn't okay, and she needed to know just how much things had gotten out of hand.
If this is true, it explains everything, puts it into a clarity so crystal it stings. She left them alone for twelve years. What was meant to be a temporary solution became their lives, ones that they had had no say in constructing. She had orchestrated this grand design (oh, how clever of her, how self-sacrificing) and then failed to leave herself a safety net. What the hell has she been doing all this time?
It takes a long moment to realise she's crying, silent tears dripping down her chin. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and her hands feel so heavy when she lifts them to wipe at her face with her fingertips.)
I didn't know, (she whispers. It's a weak excuse. To be so myopic– no wonder Taako feels the way that he does. How could she have done this to him?)
[Lup is quiet as Lucretia processes this, watching her friend slowly fall apart.
She's so full of different emotions over all of this, and it would be so easy to be cruel. To be bitter and resentful and fiery. Part of her wants to be, because maybe that would make Taako forgive her for not hating Lucretia.
...but she's so tired of all this hurting. She has not the patience or the knowledge to handle it all yet, and the easy goofs and jokes that hid her and Taako's own hurts when it got too heavy just... didn't seem like they would make anything better.
Probably worse.]
I know. You can't undo this shit and it's gonna hurt. It's good that it does, because it proves you're not some strange monster, but a friend who fucked up.
[She comes closer, and takes that (older and strange) hand again, squeezing it.]
(It hurts very, very much. Lup taking her hand as it is, even wet with tears and tightly holding it makes her shoulders jerk in a muted sob. She doesn't deserve this kindness, not from her.)
I'm sorry, (she manages. There aren't enough words in the world to express how deeply sorrowful she feels in this moment, the aching, consuming regret and guilt. Her dearest friends, her closest family, having suffered by her hand for so long? This is the nightmare scenario.)
I know it can't possibly– but please, believe me Lup, I'm– (she can barely speak; she shakes her head slowly, and puts her free hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly.)
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no subject
(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
no subject
[She's starting to realize that Taako didn't actually tell her anything, though.]
It's been twelve years since you started this, Lucretia. Magnus married. Merle had kids. Taako ran.
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(Her voice drops away, quiet, uncertain. Her mind is racing, heart thudding loudly in her ears. Twelve years? How could it have been twelve– )
No, (she tries, and her voice breaks,) No, I– it's only going to take two. (It was only supposed to take one.)
no subject
[She wants to reach out and hold Lucretia, but there's nothing she could really do to make this okay. In fact, it was hard for her to not be angry under it all. It's wasn't okay, and she needed to know just how much things had gotten out of hand.
Why a bad idea like that got worse.]
no subject
If this is true, it explains everything, puts it into a clarity so crystal it stings. She left them alone for twelve years. What was meant to be a temporary solution became their lives, ones that they had had no say in constructing. She had orchestrated this grand design (oh, how clever of her, how self-sacrificing) and then failed to leave herself a safety net. What the hell has she been doing all this time?
It takes a long moment to realise she's crying, silent tears dripping down her chin. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and her hands feel so heavy when she lifts them to wipe at her face with her fingertips.)
I didn't know, (she whispers. It's a weak excuse. To be so myopic– no wonder Taako feels the way that he does. How could she have done this to him?)
no subject
She's so full of different emotions over all of this, and it would be so easy to be cruel. To be bitter and resentful and fiery. Part of her wants to be, because maybe that would make Taako forgive her for not hating Lucretia.
...but she's so tired of all this hurting. She has not the patience or the knowledge to handle it all yet, and the easy goofs and jokes that hid her and Taako's own hurts when it got too heavy just... didn't seem like they would make anything better.
Probably worse.]
I know. You can't undo this shit and it's gonna hurt. It's good that it does, because it proves you're not some strange monster, but a friend who fucked up.
[She comes closer, and takes that (older and strange) hand again, squeezing it.]
no subject
I'm sorry, (she manages. There aren't enough words in the world to express how deeply sorrowful she feels in this moment, the aching, consuming regret and guilt. Her dearest friends, her closest family, having suffered by her hand for so long? This is the nightmare scenario.)
I know it can't possibly– but please, believe me Lup, I'm– (she can barely speak; she shakes her head slowly, and puts her free hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly.)