(Not yet. It's a small comfort. Lucretia closes her eyes tightly, gripping her phone hard like a lifeline. Is her relationship with both Taako and Lup always going to feel like this now? Like a ticking time bomb?)
Look, I Lup, for what it's worth I wouldn't... I would never
(This is so pointless. How is she supposed to adequately apologise for something like this? It feels so fucked up to try and explain that there must have been a reason that they're all overlooking.)
All I can ask is that you trust me. And I know that's a big ask. I don't know what's going to happen with... with me, but I know now that I would never do anything to hurt you. Any of you. You're my best friends, my- my family. You're all I have, and I love you.
[It's like picking at glass shards in her skin, too sharp to pull them out without making herself bleed even more.
She wants to say it's all okay, but it wasn't. Her brother was different, and Lup was a void. This future was more messed up than any possible horrific outcome she had ever discussed with Barry regarding their lich idea.]
It's just I don't even know the details of why you changed. I don't even think Taako fully knows, just that you didn't like something we did, and I
have I ever done something to make you not trust me?
[If she knew, could she stop this change in her best friend?]
(There's still a tiny, sore part in her heart that harbors the knowledge of Lup initially wanting to hurt her over this. She's tried to chalk it up to something that must have happened in the moment, a burst of quintessential Lup emotion. She's fiery like that. It won't stop Lucretia from trusting her.)
From what Taako told me, it has something to do with splitting the Lights, I think. He said... he said that we broke it, to hide it. And that I didn't agree with the plan.
(Even while typing it out it still seems so disproportionate to her.)
I can't believe we've changed so much that you can't trust us or
anything better than what happens.
[Setting shit (and enemies) on fire was usually her first reaction, and it wasn't always the best reaction. In all honestly, Lup doubted she would have ever hurt Lucretia even when that mad, but she still would have broken stuff.]
(Playing the blame game isn't going to get them anywhere good.)
I... I know.
Look– um, I got offered a chance at work to go outside the city walls for a couple weeks for a research project. And I'm going to accept. So... that will help if you
(Don't want me around. Lucretia smiles, tight and bitter, and backspaces it.)
[Lup hesitates at that, rubbing her finger over a smudge on the phone screen. None of this made any sense, and that was something that really pissed her off.
She's missing so much of their future... but Lucretia is missing even more.]
No. I just want us again.
Can we try meeting and talking or something? I'm shit with emotions but I know I love you, Luce.
It's been 82 years. We can patch it up somehow, I just
[Lup stops there and wipes her eyes a bit, trying to ignore how upset she is on so many weird levels.]
[...and true to her word, Lup arrives a while later. It's still weird to see Lucretia, because the happy warmth that came with best friends and the sting of what had happe...would happen was a strange cocktail of emotions.
She's mad, but there's nothing to be done about it. It wasn't Lucretia.]
(She'd moved out into the living room in anticipation of this; the wait had been a bit torturous. She'd been expecting Lup to teleport in, but it makes sense that she'd rather take her time. Still, Lucretia is very anxious by the time she does show up. She's been pressing her fingernails into her palms, squeezing her hands into little tight fists.
How exactly are they supposed to start this conversation? Lup look so sad.)
[Teleporting was more a Taako thing, it always made her queasy.]
I... don't know.
[She sinks into the couch, curling up a bit and leaving space between them.]
All of this timeline shit is fucked up, Luce. There's something damaged in my brother because some future you created, and I can't... everyone forgot me.
[She covers her mouth with a hand to hold in a sob. She had grieved so much for Taako, so now she can take a moment to grieve for herself. With her best friend.]
I was nothing. Not dead, just nothing... and that's a lot worse. Everyone forgot and Barry made Taako kill him so he wouldn't forget, but he still couldn't find me.
[A decade of looking.]
A-and I know it isn't you, not the you you are now and it's not fair to be angry - and fuck I was so angry - but I don't know how else to handle this shit.
(Lucretia badly wants to reach for Lup, to comfort her, but doesn't know if she's allowed to yet. She ends up making a weird little jerking movement from where she's sitting, an aborted attempt to reach out and take her hand, or put an arm about her. She scrunches a little further into her side of the couch instead.)
I... I'm sorry, Lup. (How many times can she say that before it starts sounding fake? She didn't know about Barry, and now she feels sick and tired all over again. Just another bullet point in the laundry list of people she will grow up to hurt.
When she next speaks, her tone is clipped, weary.)
You can be angry. Just like I can sit here and apologise until I turn blue in the face, but– it's not worth it, Lup. None of this amounts to anything. You being angry at me doesn't change what happens.
(Maybe it's runoff from being mad with Taako, but she's feeling quite bitter all of a sudden, staring at a fixed point on the coffee table in front of the couch so she doesn't have to see Lup's expression while she talks.) Don't you think that I've been wishing I could undo it? That I could stop all of this from happening? Do you really think that I wanted any of this to happen to either of you? Ever since Taako told me about this I've been spinning in circles trying to come up with reasons as to why this will happens and all I can come up with is either I turn– comically evil, or I make a mistake.
(She laughs, short and sharp.) I'm tired of this. Of being cast as the villain. Could you perhaps meet me halfway, here? I know that you both have each other and you don't need me, but I... I need you. You're my family. And I'm asking you to forgive me.
[I know that you both have each other and you don't need me, but I... I need you.
Lup's heart aches at that and she looks over at Lucretia. The tired, broken and bitter woman that used to be so... Lucretia. Her best friend. The only other girl she's spent 82 years with.
Her family.]
I can't forgive you because none of this is your doing. I can forgive this future you eventually, especially if we can have some time to talk about why all of this is happening.
[She hates talking about shit but sometimes it's just needed. She calls out Taako when he's being too much of a dick, so if she's ever found...
...when she's found, she's gonna have to listen to future-Lucretia's side of all this.]
But you? Fuck, you're my best friend and I hate being mad like this so... I guess we can start over?
[Lup sighs, her lashes wet with held-back tears, and then nods like she's made up her mind. Turning to face Lucretia, she opens her arms in a come-here gesture.]
(Her gaze snaps from the coffee table to Lup as she talks, and if she looks a little caught off-guard, it's because she was expecting a very different reaction.
Starting over sounds... wonderful. It's what she had hoped for from Taako, but had resigned herself to never achieving it. She nods slowly, and even uncurls a little on the spot, relieved; she had been prepared to really argue her case. Lup is looking at her now with this awful, pained expression that makes Lucretia's heart ache. There are tears on her eyelashes. When she holds out her arms, Lucretia hesitates, then scoots over and leans into her embrace, dropping her chin onto Lup's shoulder.)
I– I don't want to be mad either, (she mumbles, embarrassed by her bitter outburst now.) I'm sorry for snapping like that. I'm not mad at you, I'm just... tired. I want everything to be okay.
[She's so tired of all these emotions. Sadness, bitterness, anger. Not only this thing, but everything else as well. Taako's loneliness in this place, his breakup, the dude that sexually assaulted him. The Hunger still around even decades after she becomes a lich, making her second-guess herself. Missing Barry. Fuck, missing Barry so damn much.
A month of emotional rollercoasters take their toll even on the strong, independent types. The protectors, the fighters, the technically-two-minutes-older sisters.
So here she is, holding Lucretia in her arms and trying to not sob on her.]
Me too. I just want to enjoy this place while we can while not having to look at the sky. Not... not arguing. Future Lup can deal with Future Lucretia. I want you.
It's okay, (Lucretia soothes, gently putting an arm around her. She can feel that unbidden, upset energy bubbling beneath Lup's skin; she lies her palm flat on her back and rubs in little, comforting circles.)
You have me. And when we get to the, uh... the other me, we'll just take it one step at a time. (She is essentially walking Lup though how to deal with her terrible betrayal. It's a strange feeling, like having an out of body experience.)
We're a team, you and I. And Taako, no matter... no matter what. (She huffs a sigh, hiding her frown in Lup's shoulder. She'll definitely have to make nice with him after this, huh.)
Uh huh– (this last bit comes out a little strangled, but only because Lup is holding her very tightly. She pulls back, freeing herself with a soft chuckle.)
Hey– don't cry, okay? (Lup still looks a little fragile, just about the edges. Lucretia gives her a little pat on the shoulder, squeezing it in solidarity,) or you're going to make me cry.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She can't be mad at her. Yet she can't stop the bile in her stomach lurching as she think about what Taako told her.]
I'm not even mad for me as much as for Taako. He was alone and that... that's always been one of his biggest fears.
I'm dead, and everyone forgot me, but he's the one that's changed. That's why I can't forgive this future you.
But you're not her. Not yet. I just have to remember that.
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Look, I
Lup, for what it's worth I wouldn't... I would never
(This is so pointless. How is she supposed to adequately apologise for something like this? It feels so fucked up to try and explain that there must have been a reason that they're all overlooking.)
All I can ask is that you trust me. And I know that's a big ask. I don't know what's going to happen with... with me, but I know now that I would never do anything to hurt you. Any of you. You're my best friends, my- my family. You're all I have, and I love you.
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She wants to say it's all okay, but it wasn't. Her brother was different, and Lup was a void. This future was more messed up than any possible horrific outcome she had ever discussed with Barry regarding their lich idea.]
It's just I don't even know the details of why you changed. I don't even think Taako fully knows, just that you didn't like something we did, and I
have I ever done something to make you not trust me?
[If she knew, could she stop this change in her best friend?]
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(There's still a tiny, sore part in her heart that harbors the knowledge of Lup initially wanting to hurt her over this. She's tried to chalk it up to something that must have happened in the moment, a burst of quintessential Lup emotion. She's fiery like that. It won't stop Lucretia from trusting her.)
From what Taako told me, it has something to do with splitting the Lights, I think. He said... he said that we broke it, to hide it. And that I didn't agree with the plan.
(Even while typing it out it still seems so disproportionate to her.)
I don't understand it either.
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anything better than what happens.
[Setting shit (and enemies) on fire was usually her first reaction, and it wasn't always the best reaction. In all honestly, Lup doubted she would have ever hurt Lucretia even when that mad, but she still would have broken stuff.]
I don't want this
I don't want any of this
I just want to go back to normal but this is HARD
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(Playing the blame game isn't going to get them anywhere good.)
I... I know.
Look– um, I got offered a chance at work to go outside the city walls for a couple weeks for a research project. And I'm going to accept. So... that will help if you
(Don't want me around. Lucretia smiles, tight and bitter, and backspaces it.)
need some extra space for a bit.
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She's missing so much of their future... but Lucretia is missing even more.]
No. I just want us again.
Can we try meeting and talking or something? I'm shit with emotions but I know I love you, Luce.
It's been 82 years. We can patch it up somehow, I just
[Lup stops there and wipes her eyes a bit, trying to ignore how upset she is on so many weird levels.]
I don't hate you
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(She's already sitting up, casting around for her bag while she types an additional reply with one hand.)
I don't hate you either, Lup, I could never– we'll work it out some how. But I'm sorry it had to happen like this.
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I'm at work, but it's pretty slow so I can come home for a while.
[Obviously, since she's on the phone. Working for her brother was interesting.]
Yeah. Me too.
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Oh, okay. Could you? If you don't mind.
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[...and true to her word, Lup arrives a while later. It's still weird to see Lucretia, because the happy warmth that came with best friends and the sting of what had happe...would happen was a strange cocktail of emotions.
She's mad, but there's nothing to be done about it. It wasn't Lucretia.]
...hey.
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(She'd moved out into the living room in anticipation of this; the wait had been a bit torturous. She'd been expecting Lup to teleport in, but it makes sense that she'd rather take her time. Still, Lucretia is very anxious by the time she does show up. She's been pressing her fingernails into her palms, squeezing her hands into little tight fists.
How exactly are they supposed to start this conversation? Lup look so sad.)
Are... are you okay?
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I... don't know.
[She sinks into the couch, curling up a bit and leaving space between them.]
All of this timeline shit is fucked up, Luce. There's something damaged in my brother because some future you created, and I can't... everyone forgot me.
[She covers her mouth with a hand to hold in a sob. She had grieved so much for Taako, so now she can take a moment to grieve for herself. With her best friend.]
I was nothing. Not dead, just nothing... and that's a lot worse. Everyone forgot and Barry made Taako kill him so he wouldn't forget, but he still couldn't find me.
[A decade of looking.]
A-and I know it isn't you, not the you you are now and it's not fair to be angry - and fuck I was so angry - but I don't know how else to handle this shit.
I don't know this future Lucretia. Just you.
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I... I'm sorry, Lup. (How many times can she say that before it starts sounding fake? She didn't know about Barry, and now she feels sick and tired all over again. Just another bullet point in the laundry list of people she will grow up to hurt.
When she next speaks, her tone is clipped, weary.)
You can be angry. Just like I can sit here and apologise until I turn blue in the face, but– it's not worth it, Lup. None of this amounts to anything. You being angry at me doesn't change what happens.
(Maybe it's runoff from being mad with Taako, but she's feeling quite bitter all of a sudden, staring at a fixed point on the coffee table in front of the couch so she doesn't have to see Lup's expression while she talks.) Don't you think that I've been wishing I could undo it? That I could stop all of this from happening? Do you really think that I wanted any of this to happen to either of you? Ever since Taako told me about this I've been spinning in circles trying to come up with reasons as to why this will happens and all I can come up with is either I turn– comically evil, or I make a mistake.
(She laughs, short and sharp.) I'm tired of this. Of being cast as the villain. Could you perhaps meet me halfway, here? I know that you both have each other and you don't need me, but I... I need you. You're my family. And I'm asking you to forgive me.
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Lup's heart aches at that and she looks over at Lucretia. The tired, broken and bitter woman that used to be so... Lucretia. Her best friend. The only other girl she's spent 82 years with.
Her family.]
I can't forgive you because none of this is your doing. I can forgive this future you eventually, especially if we can have some time to talk about why all of this is happening.
[She hates talking about shit but sometimes it's just needed. She calls out Taako when he's being too much of a dick, so if she's ever found...
...when she's found, she's gonna have to listen to future-Lucretia's side of all this.]
But you? Fuck, you're my best friend and I hate being mad like this so... I guess we can start over?
[Lup sighs, her lashes wet with held-back tears, and then nods like she's made up her mind. Turning to face Lucretia, she opens her arms in a come-here gesture.]
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Starting over sounds... wonderful. It's what she had hoped for from Taako, but had resigned herself to never achieving it. She nods slowly, and even uncurls a little on the spot, relieved; she had been prepared to really argue her case. Lup is looking at her now with this awful, pained expression that makes Lucretia's heart ache. There are tears on her eyelashes. When she holds out her arms, Lucretia hesitates, then scoots over and leans into her embrace, dropping her chin onto Lup's shoulder.)
I– I don't want to be mad either, (she mumbles, embarrassed by her bitter outburst now.) I'm sorry for snapping like that. I'm not mad at you, I'm just... tired. I want everything to be okay.
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A month of emotional rollercoasters take their toll even on the strong, independent types. The protectors, the fighters, the technically-two-minutes-older sisters.
So here she is, holding Lucretia in her arms and trying to not sob on her.]
Me too. I just want to enjoy this place while we can while not having to look at the sky. Not... not arguing. Future Lup can deal with Future Lucretia. I want you.
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You have me. And when we get to the, uh... the other me, we'll just take it one step at a time. (She is essentially walking Lup though how to deal with her terrible betrayal. It's a strange feeling, like having an out of body experience.)
We're a team, you and I. And Taako, no matter... no matter what. (She huffs a sigh, hiding her frown in Lup's shoulder. She'll definitely have to make nice with him after this, huh.)
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...it is not now, though. Right now, she's busy hugging Lucretia close and probably squishing her.]
A team. You, me and Taako.
[A smaller team than they were used to, but a damn good one.]
No matter what.
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Hey– don't cry, okay? (Lup still looks a little fragile, just about the edges. Lucretia gives her a little pat on the shoulder, squeezing it in solidarity,) or you're going to make me cry.
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[Lup leans back and dabs at her eyes with a groan.]
I'm so tired of all these emotions, Luce. I'm not having any for at least a few cycles after this place.
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(She exhales hard, then drops her shoulders, and smiles tentatively.)
Friends?
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Friends.