[It really is flat, between them. Lup watches as Lucretia moves forward to put her hand on her shoulder, and a little, bitter part of her wants to pull away.
But she doesn't.
Because Luce is as close to a sister she'll ever get.]
It really is. I can't... I can't believe how many years have passed. How much has changed.
I know. And all at once, too: I feel like I'm suffering from some kind of mental whiplash.
(This at least isn't joking about or nervous posturing: she really does feel completely out of it, like she has a soft head-cold.)
Lup, this sucks. I didn't think– I mean, there was a part of me that was concerned about what the canister had for me but I never guessed it would be all of this.
(She grins, a little ruefully, and gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back.)
It's okay. I'd been considering it anyway and honestly, I... I'm better off alone. (Can't hurt anybody that way. It's not like she hasn't been begrudgingly getting used to it lately either.)
No, Lup, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... (she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.) I'm just worried about Taako. I'm sorry. I don't want to get rid of you.
(Even here, even now. With Lup staring at her, rubbing her arm like she doesn't know what else to do. Lucretia glances away, hand dropping from her face to gesture vaguely.)
I was– I just want to explain. I know that what I did wasn't ideal, but I... he doesn't know why, and that's important to me.
[She shakes her head again, and moves over to take Lucretia's hand.]
We're all stubborn shits and from what Taako told me, splitting the Light just made things horrible. We should have thought of other ideas, but we were pretty desperate.
It was, (she says hollowly, and grips Lup's hand.) It was so horrible, Lup.
(She doesn't think she wants to explain how so, either. Watching Lup slowly sink into despair over watching the gauntlet turn entire cities to black glass had been so awful and then– she'd disappeared, and that had only made everything worse. The lump in her throat is back. She has to take a moment to ensure she isn't about to lose it before she speaks again.)
We've all seen a lot of horrible things, and... I thought that it would help, that I could– I don't know. I'm... I'm trying, Lup. I just have to get the relics back and then everything will be okay again. It will be over soon.
Luce... you can't still think this plan of yours was good? I mean, yeah we gotta get the relics back, but the shield... Taako said it doesn't work. You gotta turn it on the Hunger.
[She shakes her head a bit, entwining her fingers with Lucretia's.]
...and... even if your intentions we're good and things fucked up beyond your control, Taako took the biggest hit and he's... he's still not himself. He ran away from me.
Then I'll turn it on the Hunger, (Lucretia replies tightly, her fingertips tapping restlessly on the back of Lup's hand,) I'm nearly there, Lup. I encountered a slight set-back with the Animus Bell, sure, but I'll– I'll double back, I'll take it last.
(There's a lot more to it than that. She doesn't know how to mention just how much Wonderland has thrown her off course, how much she had sacrificed for– for nothing. Or: for a second chance. If she had died in there, everything would have been lost immediately. She's still deeply shaken by the realisation that she isn't as bulletproof as she initially thought.)
Taako... (her mouth twists in confusion.) I don't– Lup, I don't understand how this happened, with him. All I wanted to take was a year and I know that I've gone a bit over, but I should have– it will be done by the second, I know it will. And then it will be back to normal, like nothing happened.
Merle and Magus did relatively well. They loved, they lost but they never needed to depend on anyone else. They did not have our background. Our entwined souls.
[It was a bit oversimplifying it, because obviously Merle and Magnus had ended up feeling alone, too... but not like Taako.]
Taako... Taako has never been alone. We drew our first breaths together and after that we were never apart until we hit the bad years on the Starblaster. The few times we died without the other... it was like we wanted to crawl into each other's bodies.
I had Barry to support me, but he was always lost.
[They spent a long time afterwards, forehead to forehead in a bed, clutching their hands together like they were afraid one of them would slip away.]
He was always the kind of be a little more emotionally distant with other people, but the always the pragmatic and responsible one. I was the fighter, the protector ever since we would stand. We survived a lot of shit together. We did things nobody as young as we were should have to do to survive.
Things nobody should have to do, period.
...and he then thought he did it all alone. There was nobody to protect him, nobody to show him love and affection and pull him out of his shell when he needed it. Nobody to be there in the cold nights when we were starving and dirty and afraid for our lives.
He had nothing, and it has made him bitter and distrustful. Lost and hiding behind a mask of uncaring and telling people he's dumb so they'll always underestimate him.
(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
[She wants to reach out and hold Lucretia, but there's nothing she could really do to make this okay. In fact, it was hard for her to not be angry under it all. It's wasn't okay, and she needed to know just how much things had gotten out of hand.
If this is true, it explains everything, puts it into a clarity so crystal it stings. She left them alone for twelve years. What was meant to be a temporary solution became their lives, ones that they had had no say in constructing. She had orchestrated this grand design (oh, how clever of her, how self-sacrificing) and then failed to leave herself a safety net. What the hell has she been doing all this time?
It takes a long moment to realise she's crying, silent tears dripping down her chin. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and her hands feel so heavy when she lifts them to wipe at her face with her fingertips.)
I didn't know, (she whispers. It's a weak excuse. To be so myopic– no wonder Taako feels the way that he does. How could she have done this to him?)
[Lup is quiet as Lucretia processes this, watching her friend slowly fall apart.
She's so full of different emotions over all of this, and it would be so easy to be cruel. To be bitter and resentful and fiery. Part of her wants to be, because maybe that would make Taako forgive her for not hating Lucretia.
...but she's so tired of all this hurting. She has not the patience or the knowledge to handle it all yet, and the easy goofs and jokes that hid her and Taako's own hurts when it got too heavy just... didn't seem like they would make anything better.
Probably worse.]
I know. You can't undo this shit and it's gonna hurt. It's good that it does, because it proves you're not some strange monster, but a friend who fucked up.
[She comes closer, and takes that (older and strange) hand again, squeezing it.]
(It hurts very, very much. Lup taking her hand as it is, even wet with tears and tightly holding it makes her shoulders jerk in a muted sob. She doesn't deserve this kindness, not from her.)
I'm sorry, (she manages. There aren't enough words in the world to express how deeply sorrowful she feels in this moment, the aching, consuming regret and guilt. Her dearest friends, her closest family, having suffered by her hand for so long? This is the nightmare scenario.)
I know it can't possibly– but please, believe me Lup, I'm– (she can barely speak; she shakes her head slowly, and puts her free hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It really is flat, between them. Lup watches as Lucretia moves forward to put her hand on her shoulder, and a little, bitter part of her wants to pull away.
But she doesn't.
Because Luce is as close to a sister she'll ever get.]
It really is. I can't... I can't believe how many years have passed. How much has changed.
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(This at least isn't joking about or nervous posturing: she really does feel completely out of it, like she has a soft head-cold.)
Lup, this sucks. I didn't think– I mean, there was a part of me that was concerned about what the canister had for me but I never guessed it would be all of this.
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[She pulls some of her hair back behind a pointed ear and sighs.]
It's... a lot. Too much - and I'm... sorry for asking you to move out.
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(She grins, a little ruefully, and gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back.)
It's okay. I'd been considering it anyway and honestly, I... I'm better off alone. (Can't hurt anybody that way. It's not like she hasn't been begrudgingly getting used to it lately either.)
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That's a load of bullshit and you know it.
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I've been doing just fine without you. What's a little more time?
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Ouch. That was a majorly unnecessary attempt to get rid of me.
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No, Lup, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... (she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.) I'm just worried about Taako. I'm sorry. I don't want to get rid of you.
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This is not going to be easy. He might never forgive you and I don't blame him for that.
...but you're not alone.
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(Even here, even now. With Lup staring at her, rubbing her arm like she doesn't know what else to do. Lucretia glances away, hand dropping from her face to gesture vaguely.)
I was– I just want to explain. I know that what I did wasn't ideal, but I... he doesn't know why, and that's important to me.
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[She shakes her head again, and moves over to take Lucretia's hand.]
We're all stubborn shits and from what Taako told me, splitting the Light just made things horrible. We should have thought of other ideas, but we were pretty desperate.
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(She doesn't think she wants to explain how so, either. Watching Lup slowly sink into despair over watching the gauntlet turn entire cities to black glass had been so awful and then– she'd disappeared, and that had only made everything worse. The lump in her throat is back. She has to take a moment to ensure she isn't about to lose it before she speaks again.)
We've all seen a lot of horrible things, and... I thought that it would help, that I could– I don't know. I'm... I'm trying, Lup. I just have to get the relics back and then everything will be okay again. It will be over soon.
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Luce... you can't still think this plan of yours was good? I mean, yeah we gotta get the relics back, but the shield... Taako said it doesn't work. You gotta turn it on the Hunger.
[She shakes her head a bit, entwining her fingers with Lucretia's.]
...and... even if your intentions we're good and things fucked up beyond your control, Taako took the biggest hit and he's... he's still not himself. He ran away from me.
He's never done that.
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(There's a lot more to it than that. She doesn't know how to mention just how much Wonderland has thrown her off course, how much she had sacrificed for– for nothing. Or: for a second chance. If she had died in there, everything would have been lost immediately. She's still deeply shaken by the realisation that she isn't as bulletproof as she initially thought.)
Taako... (her mouth twists in confusion.) I don't– Lup, I don't understand how this happened, with him. All I wanted to take was a year and I know that I've gone a bit over, but I should have– it will be done by the second, I know it will. And then it will be back to normal, like nothing happened.
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Merle and Magus did relatively well. They loved, they lost but they never needed to depend on anyone else. They did not have our background. Our entwined souls.
[It was a bit oversimplifying it, because obviously Merle and Magnus had ended up feeling alone, too... but not like Taako.]
Taako... Taako has never been alone. We drew our first breaths together and after that we were never apart until we hit the bad years on the Starblaster. The few times we died without the other... it was like we wanted to crawl into each other's bodies.
I had Barry to support me, but he was always lost.
[They spent a long time afterwards, forehead to forehead in a bed, clutching their hands together like they were afraid one of them would slip away.]
He was always the kind of be a little more emotionally distant with other people, but the always the pragmatic and responsible one. I was the fighter, the protector ever since we would stand. We survived a lot of shit together. We did things nobody as young as we were should have to do to survive.
Things nobody should have to do, period.
...and he then thought he did it all alone. There was nobody to protect him, nobody to show him love and affection and pull him out of his shell when he needed it. Nobody to be there in the cold nights when we were starving and dirty and afraid for our lives.
He had nothing, and it has made him bitter and distrustful. Lost and hiding behind a mask of uncaring and telling people he's dumb so they'll always underestimate him.
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(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
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[She's starting to realize that Taako didn't actually tell her anything, though.]
It's been twelve years since you started this, Lucretia. Magnus married. Merle had kids. Taako ran.
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(Her voice drops away, quiet, uncertain. Her mind is racing, heart thudding loudly in her ears. Twelve years? How could it have been twelve– )
No, (she tries, and her voice breaks,) No, I– it's only going to take two. (It was only supposed to take one.)
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[She wants to reach out and hold Lucretia, but there's nothing she could really do to make this okay. In fact, it was hard for her to not be angry under it all. It's wasn't okay, and she needed to know just how much things had gotten out of hand.
Why a bad idea like that got worse.]
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If this is true, it explains everything, puts it into a clarity so crystal it stings. She left them alone for twelve years. What was meant to be a temporary solution became their lives, ones that they had had no say in constructing. She had orchestrated this grand design (oh, how clever of her, how self-sacrificing) and then failed to leave herself a safety net. What the hell has she been doing all this time?
It takes a long moment to realise she's crying, silent tears dripping down her chin. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and her hands feel so heavy when she lifts them to wipe at her face with her fingertips.)
I didn't know, (she whispers. It's a weak excuse. To be so myopic– no wonder Taako feels the way that he does. How could she have done this to him?)
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She's so full of different emotions over all of this, and it would be so easy to be cruel. To be bitter and resentful and fiery. Part of her wants to be, because maybe that would make Taako forgive her for not hating Lucretia.
...but she's so tired of all this hurting. She has not the patience or the knowledge to handle it all yet, and the easy goofs and jokes that hid her and Taako's own hurts when it got too heavy just... didn't seem like they would make anything better.
Probably worse.]
I know. You can't undo this shit and it's gonna hurt. It's good that it does, because it proves you're not some strange monster, but a friend who fucked up.
[She comes closer, and takes that (older and strange) hand again, squeezing it.]
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I'm sorry, (she manages. There aren't enough words in the world to express how deeply sorrowful she feels in this moment, the aching, consuming regret and guilt. Her dearest friends, her closest family, having suffered by her hand for so long? This is the nightmare scenario.)
I know it can't possibly– but please, believe me Lup, I'm– (she can barely speak; she shakes her head slowly, and puts her free hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly.)