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Lup ☂ ([personal profile] umbrastaff) wrote2017-07-03 01:55 am

IC Inbox @lightemup


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scholiast: <user name=snuffysbox site=tumblr.com> (★ i dunno about that)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-29 01:42 pm (UTC)(link)
I know. And all at once, too: I feel like I'm suffering from some kind of mental whiplash.

(This at least isn't joking about or nervous posturing: she really does feel completely out of it, like she has a soft head-cold.)

Lup, this sucks. I didn't think– I mean, there was a part of me that was concerned about what the canister had for me but I never guessed it would be all of this.
scholiast: <user name=madokatragicas site=tumblr.com> (★ i was myopic)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 02:44 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, you're the baby now.

(She grins, a little ruefully, and gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back.)

It's okay. I'd been considering it anyway and honestly, I... I'm better off alone. (Can't hurt anybody that way. It's not like she hasn't been begrudgingly getting used to it lately either.)
scholiast: <user name=seasaltinecrackers site=tumblr.com> (★ don't you dare)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 01:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Do I? (She sounds a little cold now, distant.)

I've been doing just fine without you. What's a little more time?
scholiast: <user name=snuffysbox site=tumblr.com> (★ decade long mistake)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 01:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh– (She softens considerably, regretfully.)

No, Lup, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... (she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.) I'm just worried about Taako. I'm sorry. I don't want to get rid of you.
scholiast: <user name=altarofistus site=tumblr.com> (★ the lonely journal keeper)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 02:06 pm (UTC)(link)
I feel alone.

(Even here, even now. With Lup staring at her, rubbing her arm like she doesn't know what else to do. Lucretia glances away, hand dropping from her face to gesture vaguely.)

I was– I just want to explain. I know that what I did wasn't ideal, but I... he doesn't know why, and that's important to me.
scholiast: <user name=fuocogo site=tumblr.com> (☆ please trust me)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 02:22 pm (UTC)(link)
It was, (she says hollowly, and grips Lup's hand.) It was so horrible, Lup.

(She doesn't think she wants to explain how so, either. Watching Lup slowly sink into despair over watching the gauntlet turn entire cities to black glass had been so awful and then– she'd disappeared, and that had only made everything worse. The lump in her throat is back. She has to take a moment to ensure she isn't about to lose it before she speaks again.)

We've all seen a lot of horrible things, and... I thought that it would help, that I could– I don't know. I'm... I'm trying, Lup. I just have to get the relics back and then everything will be okay again. It will be over soon.
scholiast: <user name=parcelinc site=tumblr.com> (★ my fault)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 04:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Then I'll turn it on the Hunger, (Lucretia replies tightly, her fingertips tapping restlessly on the back of Lup's hand,) I'm nearly there, Lup. I encountered a slight set-back with the Animus Bell, sure, but I'll– I'll double back, I'll take it last.

(There's a lot more to it than that. She doesn't know how to mention just how much Wonderland has thrown her off course, how much she had sacrificed for– for nothing. Or: for a second chance. If she had died in there, everything would have been lost immediately. She's still deeply shaken by the realisation that she isn't as bulletproof as she initially thought.)

Taako... (her mouth twists in confusion.) I don't– Lup, I don't understand how this happened, with him. All I wanted to take was a year and I know that I've gone a bit over, but I should have– it will be done by the second, I know it will. And then it will be back to normal, like nothing happened.
scholiast: <user name=anonbeadraws site=tumblr.com> (i will do it i will take the ring to mor)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-30 04:45 pm (UTC)(link)
He– what are you talking about?

(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)

He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.

(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )

I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
scholiast: <user name=whyskalker site=tumblr.com> (★ upsetting bit)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-31 12:43 am (UTC)(link)
Twelve...

(Her voice drops away, quiet, uncertain. Her mind is racing, heart thudding loudly in her ears. Twelve years? How could it have been twelve– )

No, (she tries, and her voice breaks,) No, I– it's only going to take two. (It was only supposed to take one.)
scholiast: <user name=snuffysbox site=tumblr.com> (★ who's to blame)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-31 01:30 am (UTC)(link)
(Lucretia doesn't know what to say in response.

If this is true, it explains everything, puts it into a clarity so crystal it stings. She left them alone for twelve years. What was meant to be a temporary solution became their lives, ones that they had had no say in constructing. She had orchestrated this grand design (oh, how clever of her, how self-sacrificing) and then failed to leave herself a safety net. What the hell has she been doing all this time?

It takes a long moment to realise she's crying, silent tears dripping down her chin. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and her hands feel so heavy when she lifts them to wipe at her face with her fingertips.)


I didn't know, (she whispers. It's a weak excuse. To be so myopic– no wonder Taako feels the way that he does. How could she have done this to him?)
scholiast: <user name=jeinu site=tumblr.com> (☆ nightmare scenario)

[personal profile] scholiast 2017-08-31 02:00 am (UTC)(link)
(It hurts very, very much. Lup taking her hand as it is, even wet with tears and tightly holding it makes her shoulders jerk in a muted sob. She doesn't deserve this kindness, not from her.)

I'm sorry, (she manages. There aren't enough words in the world to express how deeply sorrowful she feels in this moment, the aching, consuming regret and guilt. Her dearest friends, her closest family, having suffered by her hand for so long? This is the nightmare scenario.)

I know it can't possibly– but please, believe me Lup, I'm– (she can barely speak; she shakes her head slowly, and puts her free hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly.)