Could I see you now? If you don't mind seeing me like this, I mean.
(Jumping from Lup is here, Lup has always been here, to Lup is missing, possibly dead and it's my fault, why I can't find her, back to the first one again is some kind of emotional whiplash.
That, and she would really like a hug. She hasn't hasn't had a hug from a friend in two, long, lonely years.)
(She has absolutely no idea what to do with Taako. Does she even deserve to be able to do anything she could come up with? And now Lup is being added to the fray– despite her reassurances of loving her too much to be angry, Lucretia still finds herself in a fretting mood. Torn between sitting and losing herself in thought and getting up and running out of the house just to do something with her nervous energy, she ends up pacing incessantly in the living room with her hands behind her back, which is how Lup will no doubt find her.)
[When Lup arrives, she's also full of nervous energy. She feels guilty in a lot of ways about this - guilty for not hating Lucretia like her brother does, and guilty that she's lying about not being angry.
She's just so, so tired of them splitting apart like this. She's so lost in what to do, because Taako is not reacting the way he used to. He pulls away, even from her, and that's painful.
That makes her angry, because he's changed, and Lucretia is responsible for her brother suffering.
Yet here she is, looking over at the now aged best friend with a clump in her chest of worry for her as well.]
Hey, girl. Looks like we gotta update your makeup. Definitely not an autumn any more, gotta bring in some winter.
(She stops dead in the middle of the room when Lup finally arrives, dropping her shoulders, standing straight. This has become well-versed habit over the years, the time alone. Draw yourself up and maintain good posture: nobody will question you. Nobody will ever guess that you don't even have a slight handle on all of your shit.
Seeing Lup makes her want to start crying again.
It's so strange. She knows, logically, that she'd just seen Lup the other day at home, lazing in the living room on the couch. Lucretia had seen her drop her phone on her face, she'd laughed. But today she'd jumped forwards sixty-eight odd years– and somewhere towards the end, she'd lost Lup entirely and those years had been so dark, so full of guilty what-ifs. How can seeing her again (and like this, whole and un-dead and full of concern, familiar little smile on her face) feel so raw?)
It's so good to see you, (she manages, over the lump in her throat.)
Don't 'it's good to see you' me. I made you breakfast yesterday.
[It's a joke, but it's pretty flat againt the tension of it all. Lup can hardly even imagine the time that had passed, and she was a damn elf.
She moves over to Lucretia, and... she's... so different. Rigid, collected on the outside. Older, obviously, but that didn't bother Lup as much as the change in body language.
No longer sweet innocent Lucretia. Madam Director with the world on her shoulders.]
You... shit, this is awkward. You look good, though.
(Okay, perhaps her humour is falling a little flat but she's very nervous. Lup hasn't seen her like this before and while Lucretia hasn't ever been one to be very concerned with her physical appearance, when it comes to Lup and the rest of the crew it feels like it matters quite a lot.
She relaxes a little as she steps closer, even reaches out to touch Lup's shoulder with her fingertips like she's not quite sure she's real.)
[It really is flat, between them. Lup watches as Lucretia moves forward to put her hand on her shoulder, and a little, bitter part of her wants to pull away.
But she doesn't.
Because Luce is as close to a sister she'll ever get.]
It really is. I can't... I can't believe how many years have passed. How much has changed.
I know. And all at once, too: I feel like I'm suffering from some kind of mental whiplash.
(This at least isn't joking about or nervous posturing: she really does feel completely out of it, like she has a soft head-cold.)
Lup, this sucks. I didn't think– I mean, there was a part of me that was concerned about what the canister had for me but I never guessed it would be all of this.
(She grins, a little ruefully, and gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back.)
It's okay. I'd been considering it anyway and honestly, I... I'm better off alone. (Can't hurt anybody that way. It's not like she hasn't been begrudgingly getting used to it lately either.)
No, Lup, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... (she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.) I'm just worried about Taako. I'm sorry. I don't want to get rid of you.
(Even here, even now. With Lup staring at her, rubbing her arm like she doesn't know what else to do. Lucretia glances away, hand dropping from her face to gesture vaguely.)
I was– I just want to explain. I know that what I did wasn't ideal, but I... he doesn't know why, and that's important to me.
[She shakes her head again, and moves over to take Lucretia's hand.]
We're all stubborn shits and from what Taako told me, splitting the Light just made things horrible. We should have thought of other ideas, but we were pretty desperate.
It was, (she says hollowly, and grips Lup's hand.) It was so horrible, Lup.
(She doesn't think she wants to explain how so, either. Watching Lup slowly sink into despair over watching the gauntlet turn entire cities to black glass had been so awful and then– she'd disappeared, and that had only made everything worse. The lump in her throat is back. She has to take a moment to ensure she isn't about to lose it before she speaks again.)
We've all seen a lot of horrible things, and... I thought that it would help, that I could– I don't know. I'm... I'm trying, Lup. I just have to get the relics back and then everything will be okay again. It will be over soon.
Luce... you can't still think this plan of yours was good? I mean, yeah we gotta get the relics back, but the shield... Taako said it doesn't work. You gotta turn it on the Hunger.
[She shakes her head a bit, entwining her fingers with Lucretia's.]
...and... even if your intentions we're good and things fucked up beyond your control, Taako took the biggest hit and he's... he's still not himself. He ran away from me.
Then I'll turn it on the Hunger, (Lucretia replies tightly, her fingertips tapping restlessly on the back of Lup's hand,) I'm nearly there, Lup. I encountered a slight set-back with the Animus Bell, sure, but I'll– I'll double back, I'll take it last.
(There's a lot more to it than that. She doesn't know how to mention just how much Wonderland has thrown her off course, how much she had sacrificed for– for nothing. Or: for a second chance. If she had died in there, everything would have been lost immediately. She's still deeply shaken by the realisation that she isn't as bulletproof as she initially thought.)
Taako... (her mouth twists in confusion.) I don't– Lup, I don't understand how this happened, with him. All I wanted to take was a year and I know that I've gone a bit over, but I should have– it will be done by the second, I know it will. And then it will be back to normal, like nothing happened.
Merle and Magus did relatively well. They loved, they lost but they never needed to depend on anyone else. They did not have our background. Our entwined souls.
[It was a bit oversimplifying it, because obviously Merle and Magnus had ended up feeling alone, too... but not like Taako.]
Taako... Taako has never been alone. We drew our first breaths together and after that we were never apart until we hit the bad years on the Starblaster. The few times we died without the other... it was like we wanted to crawl into each other's bodies.
I had Barry to support me, but he was always lost.
[They spent a long time afterwards, forehead to forehead in a bed, clutching their hands together like they were afraid one of them would slip away.]
He was always the kind of be a little more emotionally distant with other people, but the always the pragmatic and responsible one. I was the fighter, the protector ever since we would stand. We survived a lot of shit together. We did things nobody as young as we were should have to do to survive.
Things nobody should have to do, period.
...and he then thought he did it all alone. There was nobody to protect him, nobody to show him love and affection and pull him out of his shell when he needed it. Nobody to be there in the cold nights when we were starving and dirty and afraid for our lives.
He had nothing, and it has made him bitter and distrustful. Lost and hiding behind a mask of uncaring and telling people he's dumb so they'll always underestimate him.
(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
(And then, before she can stop herself:)
Could I see you now? If you don't mind seeing me like this, I mean.
(Jumping from Lup is here, Lup has always been here, to Lup is missing, possibly dead and it's my fault, why I can't find her, back to the first one again is some kind of emotional whiplash.
That, and she would really like a hug. She hasn't hasn't had a hug from a friend in two, long, lonely years.)
no subject
[She's not sure, though. Not because Luce was old, but because there was a pressure in her chest of worry and anger and all kinds of stupid emotions.]
Where do you wanna meet?
no subject
(Even that little joke does a lot to loosen the tight, anxious feeling in her chest.)
House? I'm going to go to work for the evening I think but until then, I'm here.
no subject
[Taako was still out dealing with this (and it was so weird that he wasn't here with her, but she'll just wait until he's ready.]
no subject
(She has absolutely no idea what to do with Taako. Does she even deserve to be able to do anything she could come up with? And now Lup is being added to the fray– despite her reassurances of loving her too much to be angry, Lucretia still finds herself in a fretting mood. Torn between sitting and losing herself in thought and getting up and running out of the house just to do something with her nervous energy, she ends up pacing incessantly in the living room with her hands behind her back, which is how Lup will no doubt find her.)
no subject
She's just so, so tired of them splitting apart like this. She's so lost in what to do, because Taako is not reacting the way he used to. He pulls away, even from her, and that's painful.
That makes her angry, because he's changed, and Lucretia is responsible for her brother suffering.
Yet here she is, looking over at the now aged best friend with a clump in her chest of worry for her as well.]
Hey, girl. Looks like we gotta update your makeup. Definitely not an autumn any more, gotta bring in some winter.
no subject
Seeing Lup makes her want to start crying again.
It's so strange. She knows, logically, that she'd just seen Lup the other day at home, lazing in the living room on the couch. Lucretia had seen her drop her phone on her face, she'd laughed. But today she'd jumped forwards sixty-eight odd years– and somewhere towards the end, she'd lost Lup entirely and those years had been so dark, so full of guilty what-ifs. How can seeing her again (and like this, whole and un-dead and full of concern, familiar little smile on her face) feel so raw?)
It's so good to see you, (she manages, over the lump in her throat.)
no subject
[It's a joke, but it's pretty flat againt the tension of it all. Lup can hardly even imagine the time that had passed, and she was a damn elf.
She moves over to Lucretia, and... she's... so different. Rigid, collected on the outside. Older, obviously, but that didn't bother Lup as much as the change in body language.
No longer sweet innocent Lucretia. Madam Director with the world on her shoulders.]
You... shit, this is awkward. You look good, though.
no subject
(Okay, perhaps her humour is falling a little flat but she's very nervous. Lup hasn't seen her like this before and while Lucretia hasn't ever been one to be very concerned with her physical appearance, when it comes to Lup and the rest of the crew it feels like it matters quite a lot.
She relaxes a little as she steps closer, even reaches out to touch Lup's shoulder with her fingertips like she's not quite sure she's real.)
This is bizarre.
no subject
[It really is flat, between them. Lup watches as Lucretia moves forward to put her hand on her shoulder, and a little, bitter part of her wants to pull away.
But she doesn't.
Because Luce is as close to a sister she'll ever get.]
It really is. I can't... I can't believe how many years have passed. How much has changed.
no subject
(This at least isn't joking about or nervous posturing: she really does feel completely out of it, like she has a soft head-cold.)
Lup, this sucks. I didn't think– I mean, there was a part of me that was concerned about what the canister had for me but I never guessed it would be all of this.
no subject
[She pulls some of her hair back behind a pointed ear and sighs.]
It's... a lot. Too much - and I'm... sorry for asking you to move out.
no subject
(She grins, a little ruefully, and gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back.)
It's okay. I'd been considering it anyway and honestly, I... I'm better off alone. (Can't hurt anybody that way. It's not like she hasn't been begrudgingly getting used to it lately either.)
no subject
That's a load of bullshit and you know it.
no subject
I've been doing just fine without you. What's a little more time?
no subject
Ouch. That was a majorly unnecessary attempt to get rid of me.
no subject
No, Lup, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... (she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.) I'm just worried about Taako. I'm sorry. I don't want to get rid of you.
no subject
This is not going to be easy. He might never forgive you and I don't blame him for that.
...but you're not alone.
no subject
(Even here, even now. With Lup staring at her, rubbing her arm like she doesn't know what else to do. Lucretia glances away, hand dropping from her face to gesture vaguely.)
I was– I just want to explain. I know that what I did wasn't ideal, but I... he doesn't know why, and that's important to me.
no subject
[She shakes her head again, and moves over to take Lucretia's hand.]
We're all stubborn shits and from what Taako told me, splitting the Light just made things horrible. We should have thought of other ideas, but we were pretty desperate.
no subject
(She doesn't think she wants to explain how so, either. Watching Lup slowly sink into despair over watching the gauntlet turn entire cities to black glass had been so awful and then– she'd disappeared, and that had only made everything worse. The lump in her throat is back. She has to take a moment to ensure she isn't about to lose it before she speaks again.)
We've all seen a lot of horrible things, and... I thought that it would help, that I could– I don't know. I'm... I'm trying, Lup. I just have to get the relics back and then everything will be okay again. It will be over soon.
no subject
Luce... you can't still think this plan of yours was good? I mean, yeah we gotta get the relics back, but the shield... Taako said it doesn't work. You gotta turn it on the Hunger.
[She shakes her head a bit, entwining her fingers with Lucretia's.]
...and... even if your intentions we're good and things fucked up beyond your control, Taako took the biggest hit and he's... he's still not himself. He ran away from me.
He's never done that.
no subject
(There's a lot more to it than that. She doesn't know how to mention just how much Wonderland has thrown her off course, how much she had sacrificed for– for nothing. Or: for a second chance. If she had died in there, everything would have been lost immediately. She's still deeply shaken by the realisation that she isn't as bulletproof as she initially thought.)
Taako... (her mouth twists in confusion.) I don't– Lup, I don't understand how this happened, with him. All I wanted to take was a year and I know that I've gone a bit over, but I should have– it will be done by the second, I know it will. And then it will be back to normal, like nothing happened.
no subject
Merle and Magus did relatively well. They loved, they lost but they never needed to depend on anyone else. They did not have our background. Our entwined souls.
[It was a bit oversimplifying it, because obviously Merle and Magnus had ended up feeling alone, too... but not like Taako.]
Taako... Taako has never been alone. We drew our first breaths together and after that we were never apart until we hit the bad years on the Starblaster. The few times we died without the other... it was like we wanted to crawl into each other's bodies.
I had Barry to support me, but he was always lost.
[They spent a long time afterwards, forehead to forehead in a bed, clutching their hands together like they were afraid one of them would slip away.]
He was always the kind of be a little more emotionally distant with other people, but the always the pragmatic and responsible one. I was the fighter, the protector ever since we would stand. We survived a lot of shit together. We did things nobody as young as we were should have to do to survive.
Things nobody should have to do, period.
...and he then thought he did it all alone. There was nobody to protect him, nobody to show him love and affection and pull him out of his shell when he needed it. Nobody to be there in the cold nights when we were starving and dirty and afraid for our lives.
He had nothing, and it has made him bitter and distrustful. Lost and hiding behind a mask of uncaring and telling people he's dumb so they'll always underestimate him.
no subject
(This isn't matching up. Merle and Magnus 'did well'? They 'loved'? Loved who? Lucretia takes her hand out of Lup's.)
He isn't alone Lup, I made sure– I left him at a village where I knew he'd have people around him who would care and look after him. The only reason I erased you from the narrative in the first place was because I couldn't bear to watch him and Barry tear themselves apart over being unable to find you. I wasn't trying to make him feel like he had nobody, I would never– I could never do that, to either of you.
(She had obsessively checked up on all of them in that first year and none of them had seemed unhappy. That hadn't ever been the point of erasing their memories: it was only ever to keep them from having to do the heavy lifting while she took into her own hands the reversing of the original plan. Why put them through all the suffering if she could just do it herself and save them the pain? She'd done it before, on cycle sixty-five. She'd taken a year and fixed everything, even the ship– )
I know that it isn't the most elegant solution, but I know what I'm doing! Why can't you trust me?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)